How to manage traumatic relationships

Toxic relationships and emotional abuse can be challenging to recognize because the signs may be subtle, and the behavior may occur over an extended period. 

Here are some warning signs that may indicate a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship:

• Persistent criticism and belittling: Your partner frequently criticizes you, belittles you, or undermines your confidence, causing you to feel inadequate and stupid.
• Controlling behavior: Your partner struggles to allow you to make your own choices, interfering with your decisions, beliefs, actions, or social life.
• Manipulative behavior: Your partner uses manipulation tactics to get what they want or to try to make you feel guilt or shame.
• Intimidation: Your partner threatens you, or you feel scared or intimidated, it may be a sign of emotional abuse.
• Gaslighting: Your partner denies things that have happened, makes you doubt your own memory or twists the truth to make you doubt yourself.
• Physical violence: Any form of physical violence, including pushing, hitting, or throwing objects, is a clear sign of abuse, even if you reciprocate.
• Isolation: Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family,.
• Emotional distance: Your partner consistently refuses to engage emotionally with you or disregards your feelings.

These signs of an emotionally abusive, toxic, or traumatic relationship are clear indicators that you should seek the help of a therapist who can help you understand your feelings better and recover fully from your relationship.

In therapy, we will work to help you overcome your previous toxic relationship.

1. Acknowledge the toxicity: The first step in getting over a toxic relationship is to acknowledge that it was toxic. This can be difficult because toxic relationships can be manipulative and confusing, making it hard to see things clearly. 
2. Cut off contact: Once you've acknowledged the toxicity, it's important to cut off contact with your ex-partner. This means blocking them on social media, deleting their number, and avoiding places where you might run into them. This will give you space to heal.
3. Focus on self-care: In a toxic relationship, it's common to neglect your own needs and put all your energy into pleasing your partner. With help, you will learn how to re-prioritize self-care. This might mean taking care of your physical health by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. It may also mean taking care of your emotional health by practicing self-compassion, and mindfulness, socializing with supportive friends and engaging in activities that bring you joy.
4. Learn from the experience: In therapy, we will not only seek to overcome your current distress and pain, but also learn from this experience so you can understand yourself and your history more deeply, and create healthier, happier relationships in the future.

The first and most important step that you can take to manage a toxic relationship is to seek support. As a therapist, I can help you work through your feelings, develop coping strategies, and understand yourself better.  

Together, we will:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. It's normal to feel angry, sad and betrayed during a complicated relationship.
• Encourage self-care: Taking care of your physical and emotional needs is critical. Prioritizing eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest is critical to a happy life, regardless of what is happening in your relationship. 
• Focus on Joy. It is important to focus on people and experiences that bring you joy, peace, and love. These can help you relax and remember what you love about life.
• Learn to set boundaries: Toxic relationships can cause you to feel insecure and dependent. You must Identify what you need to feel safe and learn to set boundaries so you can feel independent and autonomous even when you are in a relationship.
• Focus on strengths: Not every complicated relationship is doomed for failure. If both partners are willing to work together in therapy, much can be accomplished. If this feels possible then it helps to focus on the strengths and value of the relationship.

Getting over a toxic relationship can be a challenging process, and it's normal to struggle with letting go. 

Here are some reasons why you may be having difficulty moving on:

• Trauma bonding: In a toxic relationship, you may have developed a strong attachment to your partner despite the abuse. This is known as trauma bonding, and it can make it hard to let go even when you know the relationship is toxic.
• Fear of the unknown: Even if the relationship was toxic, it may have been familiar, and you may be afraid of what comes next. It's natural to feel anxious about the future, especially if you've been in the relationship for a long time.
• Low self-esteem: In a toxic relationship, your self-esteem may have taken a hit. You may believe that you don't deserve better or that you won't find anyone else. This can make it hard to leave the relationship and move on.
• Guilt and shame: If your partner was manipulative, they may have made you feel guilty or ashamed of your actions. This can make it hard to leave the relationship, even when you know it's not healthy.
• Unresolved feelings: If the relationship ended abruptly or you didn't get closure, you may still have unresolved feelings that are keeping you stuck.

If you're having difficulty getting over a toxic relationship, it's important to seek support from a therapist who can help you process your feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

With the right support, and two willing partners toxic relationships can be healed.

For more information, please see my information page on couples therapy.