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LINDA CHARNES, LMFT

Individual and Couple Psychotherapy and Counseling in New York City

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How to manage truamtic relationships

You don’t have to face your traumatic relationship alone

In toxic and traumatic relationships, people often feel stuck in love-hate patterns: 

  • We love each other, but we make each other miserable
  • We support each other, but we tear each other down
  • He makes me feel bad about myself, but I need him to survive
  • He’s the best man I know, but he makes me feel that I’m not good enough

While these relationships may be characterized by emotional abuse, explosive conflict, dismissiveness, controlling behavior, or ongoing criticism, at the core of each of them is an unhealthy, unsustainable relationship.

Almost always, toxic relationships involve emotional manipulation or even abuse. We may find that our confidence, self-worth, and belief in ourselves are shaken, feeling like it is our emotionally manipulative partner who decides whether we are fundamentally worthwhile. This can breed a pervasive need to be near our partner, even when his or her influence is largely negative. Despite chafing against being controlled or manipulated, we can grow used to depending on our partner for direction, approval, and resources.

Given the damage to one’s self-esteem often sustained in a traumatic relationship, it is often helpful to work with a therapist to rebuild your life.

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Is it possible to heal from a toxic relationship?

I believe that the natural state of the human being is to feel free, happy, and self-fulfilled, and the best relationships support this state of being. For my patients in emotionally abusive relationships, however, their experience is more one of distress and panic, sometimes overwhelming their ability to cope, and causing feelings of helplessness and despair. 

The first thing to know about trauma, including relationship trauma, is that you can heal it.   With the support of a therapist, you can rebuild your confidence, self-esteem, and core feeling of self-worth. And, if both partners are willing to do the work, it is possible to heal the relationship as well.  

With help, it is possible to heal from a toxic relationship and recover a life that you love.

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How do I know if I need help?

Although all relationships have conflict and differences of opinion, healthy relationships tip the balance toward support, harmony, and happiness.  When the balance in the relationship tips towards your feeling controlled or manipulated, consumed by managing conflict, or feeling dependent on your partner for emotional stability and approval the relationship may be toxic to your well-being. 

It is important to trust your instincts, especially since toxic and emotionally abusive relationships can cause you to question your own judgment, reason, and even your own experience. If you are searching the internet for answers about whether your relationship is emotionally abusive or toxic, then you probably need some support to assess your circumstances and decide what to do. 

Perhaps you are searching to ascertain whether a past relationship or marriage was toxic. You may be in a crisis of recovery, struggling to function in basic ways like eating, sleeping, or going to work. You may be having trouble accepting an ending or find yourself stuck in the break-up-make-up cycle. If any of these describe your current state, it’s time to unpack the experience with the help of a professional.

Here are some of the most common questions I hear about toxic or traumatic relationships:

trauma therapy near me
How do you know if you are in an emotionally manipulative relationship? Expand

Toxic relationships and emotional abuse can be challenging to recognize because the signs may be subtle, and the behavior may occur over an extended period. 

Here are some warning signs that may indicate a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship:

  • Persistent criticism and belittling: Your partner frequently criticizes you, belittles you, or undermines your confidence, causing you to feel inadequate and stupid.
  • Controlling behavior: Your partner struggles to allow you to make your own choices, interfering with your decisions, beliefs, actions, or social life.
  • Manipulative behavior: Your partner uses manipulation tactics to get what they want or to try to make you feel guilt or shame.
  • Intimidation: Your partner threatens you, or you feel scared or intimidated, it may be a sign of emotional abuse.
  • Gaslighting: Your partner denies things that have happened, makes you doubt your own memory or twists the truth to make you doubt yourself.
  • Physical violence: Any form of physical violence, including pushing, hitting, or throwing objects, is a clear sign of abuse, even if you reciprocate.
  • Isolation: Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family,.
  • Emotional distance: Your partner consistently refuses to engage emotionally with you or disregards your feelings.

These signs of an emotionally abusive, toxic, or traumatic relationship are clear indicators that you should seek the help of a therapist who can help you understand your feelings better and recover fully from your relationship.

 

How can I get over my toxic relationship? Expand

In therapy, we will work to help you overcome your previous toxic relationship.

  1. Acknowledge the toxicity: The first step in getting over a toxic relationship is to acknowledge that it was toxic. This can be difficult because toxic relationships can be manipulative and confusing, making it hard to see things clearly. 
  2. Cut off contact: Once you've acknowledged the toxicity, it's important to cut off contact with your ex-partner. This means blocking them on social media, deleting their number, and avoiding places where you might run into them. This will give you space to heal.
  3. Focus on self-care: In a toxic relationship, it's common to neglect your own needs and put all your energy into pleasing your partner. With help, you will learn how to re-prioritize self-care. This might mean taking care of your physical health by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. It may also mean taking care of your emotional health by practicing self-compassion, and mindfulness, socializing with supportive friends and engaging in activities that bring you joy.
  4. Learn from the experience: In therapy, we will not only seek to overcome your current distress and pain, but also learn from this experience so you can understand yourself and your history more deeply, and create healthier, happier relationships in the future.
How to deal with a toxic relationship? Expand

The first and most important step that you can take to manage a toxic relationship is to seek support. As a therapist, I can help you work through your feelings, develop coping strategies, and understand yourself better.  

Together, we will:

  • Acknowledge your feelings: Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. It's normal to feel angry, sad and betrayed during a complicated relationship.
  • Encourage self-care: Taking care of your physical and emotional needs is critical. Prioritizing eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest is critical to a happy life, regardless of what is happening in your relationship. 
  • Focus on Joy. It is important to focus on people and experiences that bring you joy, peace, and love. These can help you relax and remember what you love about life.
  • Learn to set boundaries: Toxic relationships can cause you to feel insecure and dependent. You must Identify what you need to feel safe and learn to set boundaries so you can feel independent and autonomous even when you are in a relationship.
  • Focus on strengths: Not every complicated relationship is doomed for failure. If both partners are willing to work together in therapy, much can be accomplished. If this feels possible then it helps to focus on the strengths and value of the relationship.
Why can’t I get over my toxic relationship even though I know it wasn’t right for me? Expand

Getting over a toxic relationship can be a challenging process, and it's normal to struggle with letting go. 

Here are some reasons why you may be having difficulty moving on:

  • Trauma bonding: In a toxic relationship, you may have developed a strong attachment to your partner despite the abuse. This is known as trauma bonding, and it can make it hard to let go even when you know the relationship is toxic.
  • Fear of the unknown: Even if the relationship was toxic, it may have been familiar, and you may be afraid of what comes next. It's natural to feel anxious about the future, especially if you've been in the relationship for a long time.
  • Low self-esteem: In a toxic relationship, your self-esteem may have taken a hit. You may believe that you don't deserve better or that you won't find anyone else. This can make it hard to leave the relationship and move on.
  • Guilt and shame: If your partner was manipulative, they may have made you feel guilty or ashamed of your actions. This can make it hard to leave the relationship, even when you know it's not healthy.
  • Unresolved feelings: If the relationship ended abruptly or you didn't get closure, you may still have unresolved feelings that are keeping you stuck.

If you're having difficulty getting over a toxic relationship, it's important to seek support from a therapist who can help you process your feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

 

Are all toxic relationships irreparable? Expand

With the right support, and two willing partners toxic relationships can be healed.

For more information, please see my information page on couples therapy.

Are you the right person to help me with my trauma?

As a relationship expert, I have helped many people end or repair toxic relationships, whether those were 40-year marriages or six-month affairs.

When a relationship is toxic, it doesn’t always matter how long it lasted; the pain, confusion, and distress are real. 

In our work together, we may focus on:

  1. Whether to end the relationship, or whether it can be repaired
  2. How to end the relationship, if that’s what you choose to do
  3. Discovering why you are struggling to recover from a toxic relationship
  4. Why you might be repeating the same negative relationships 
  5. How your childhood, and family of origin might be contributing to your difficulties
  6. How to rebuild your life and create happier, healthier relationships in the future.

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1619 Third Avenue, Suite 3 Entrance on 91st Street New York, NY,
10128 212-772-1695     info@lindacharnes.com

I do not accept insurance, but my services are eligible for out of network reimbursement.

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