Not Wanting to Want

Not Wanting to Want

How Intense, Nearly Unbearable, Feelings Can Be

My seat mate on the train spots an older woman and  offers her his seat. She declines, but thanks him. I touch his arm and say, “That was nice,”. He smiles and nods deeply, perhaps acknowledging the acknowledgment. I feel a burning discomfort, an embarrassment, shame, almost unbearably strong feeling. For him? For me? For humanity? Did I tell him that really just to get acknowledgment for my acknowledgment?? Wanting. Giving. Receiving. So painful. I think I want so much. For more help please reach out to us here.

 

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